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| Navel piercing (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
I've
touched on the fact that I got started in body modification as a way
to reclaim my body following abuse and it is something people ask me
about. They can't really understand why it would help, or they don't
believe that it is a good reason for a piercing or a tattoo. The only
visible modification I have is my ears which are stretched a little
bit, but I can't goo further because of work. I do also have my navel
and my tongue pierced and I have a small tattoo on my hip of the
words 'memento mori, memento vivere' which is Latin for 'remember
your mortality, remember to live'. However, no-one sees those. I had
them done for me, not the way they look.
It
can be difficult to explain how they helped me to reclaim my body. I
suppose in some way, my past meant that I had no control over what
happened to my physical body and in surviving the ordeal I had to do
something to take back by body and reclaim it as my own. In making
the choice to adorn my body with piercings I was taking control of it
for the first time in a long time. I was marking it as my own. My
navel piercing was the first body modification I got. I had never
even had my ears pierced before that. I think part of the healing
process was that it hurt. Body piercings are painful, anyone who says
otherwise is lying! However, it was a short lived pain and it was
something I could see healing before my eyes. It served as a reminder
that no matter how much I am hurt, I can get through it. I can heal
myself. I never allowed my teenage trauma to break my spirit, but I
did allow it to break my body. I never felt able to be comfortable in
my own skin. I never dressed up or wore makeup or did anything to
draw attention to my body. However, in making the choice to have a
piercing, I felt like I was saying “You know what? This is my body
and I am going to say what happens to it.” I truly believe that it
worked because around 5 months after my first piercing I met my
boyfriend and it was the first time I was able to be myself and
actually relax around a man. I'm not saying a piercing will sort your
love life out, but it did give me the confidence that when I met the
right guy I didn't go running. I soon got my ears pierced, then my
tongue and then stretched my ears.
With
the tattoo it may be a little easier to explain. For many years I
lived my life afraid. I was scared that if I took a risk on anything
I would get hurt and I hadn't yet realised that it was ok to get hurt
because I would heal. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I isolated
myself and I didn't live my life. I don't think I have ever been
suicidal, but I often think that with how I failed to have any
resemblance of a life I might as well have been dead. It was my
boyfriend who inspired the tattoo. After many dates, he was ready to
take our relationship to something more serious and I felt the need
to confess, because I new I had issues with trust and intimacy and
this new level of our relationship would surely mean sex. When I
managed to tell him everything he told me that he admired my ability
to live my life regardless. He had no idea of the daily struggle to
force myself to do so. We choose the words together and now they are
my constant reminder that I only have one life and I cannot afford to
waste it on fears and regrets.
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